Enough

It's been a while, a long while. I should be grateful, but I'm pissed. Firstly, people told me about remission periods that TN warriors experience. I would tell them I am not one of those since I always have the beast around. Now, after two surgeries, one rhizotomy, many many many med options, I realise my remission has come and gone. My remission was not experiencing the type of pain I have the past few days, every day over the past 6 months. My remission was being able to work 5 consecutive days for a number of non-consecutive weeks. Now it's gone, and I am pissed off.
Granted, the knock on effect of avoiding chewing on my TN side = teeth messed up = avoiding dentists who have to work in and around all trigger zones; resulted in surgical removal of one tooth followed by removal of another in less than a month. Whether that's been the trigger that woke up this damn elephant, I don't know. All I know is that I reached the point of saying ENOUGH !

It could have been while I was lying awake at 3 in the morning working out the time allowed between med doses that I said to myself "I have had enough."

It could have been while I was crying in the shower because it hurt to wash my hair that I said to myself "I have had enough."

Or maybe it was when I realised none of my distraction techniques were working that I said "I have had enough."

It could definitely have been at the moment when I ran out of a full house on Easter Sunday to throw up in the garden thanks to the pain, that I cried "I have had enough."

No

It was hearing the fear and desperation in my daughters voice as she called for her Daddy in between my screams and her "Mommy are you okay" pleas. It was seeing him hold her and the helpless look on his face when he did after the attack had passed. That was it. That was when I reached the point of saying to myself, "They have had enough."

I can't do this to them again. I really can't. I know I can't help it. I know that no one outside our home can understand how bad it really does get, or how hard it can be for them. I just know that if this is the end of a not-so-blissful remission, I cannot be the cause of their emotional pain. I cannot be the reason for that kind of fear in my own child.

I just can't.

Who knows, maybe my elephant will get an itch and stand up for a few minutes every now and then. Until I know that for sure, I am holding my breath and hiding my pain. It's the least I can do for them. They have really had enough.
To my fellow warriors out there, may your elephant be gentle to you today.

There's an elephant on my face by Lianne Keiller is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License. Subscribe in a reader