I want to get off this ride.....

I love amusement parks. Rollercoasters are my favourite.  There is one ride though, the big swinging ship, that I cannot handle and will avoid ever riding again.  Somehow, a childhood experience with a swing has meant that no matter how much of an adrenaline junkie I could, or would want to be, I cannot enjoy that ride. I've tried it once or twice, but no matter what, I have the instinctive need to get off as soon as the first swing is done. 

That's kind of how I feel right now. I want off this ride NOW!

When my symptoms increased a few years ago, the endless doctor visits and multiple medications were the only way to try and find a management plan. As each medication was eliminated as a possible treatment,  I felt more and more trapped. Like being on a ride with no way to get off. 

It has been 3 years since my last interaction with my medical team. Part of that was me consciously deciding to try and find a way to live. A bigger part, as I said in my previous post,  was me avoiding yet another "there is nothing we can do" visit. 

Yesterday,  as unhelpful as it sounds, the fact that a top Pain specialist said "there really is no one, including me, who knows how to help you or give a hope of a cure"; was what I needed and had to hear. It sucks. I can't truly explain how I feel about it, except to say that the approach of "try this because you have nothing to lose" with a new medication and one we have already tried, feels like being on that damn ship ride at the amusement park. 

I am not amused though. Not in the least. 

The one medication that we tried 5 years ago, is the first level treatment in clinical protocols for TN and made me feel like I was constantly tipsy, and not in a good way. It was the start of me losing my independence.  My ability to drive. My ability to work every day.  It is and was the hardest part of living with chronic pain.  Losing my independence.  I am not ready for that again.  I don't want to do it. I don't have a choice. 

So here I sit. On a ride I shouldn't have to endure. Unlike one I paid and stood in line to board, this one is something my body and fate decided I should get on and we go back and forth until I feel like jumping off mid-ride might be better than just enduring the fear and anguish of staying safely in my seat.