Who's afraid of the big, bad..... Doctor?

It has been a while since I have written here. I have been trying,  and generally succeeded, to focus on living what is my life regardless of what my pain level is on a daily basis. The elephant has been it's unpredictable self as always,  but I am determined to deal with it and live the hell out of my life for as long as I am able to. I guess I reached a point of acceptance, which facilitated a kind of peace. 

I guess you're able to deduce that this has not been enough to truly tame the pain or the turmoil of living in pain, if I am writing here again.  It sucks. I am pissed off and have no other way to describe how pissed off I am than to pour it out in words right here. So if you're reading and continue to read this, thank you. 

In all this time, the 3 doctors who have understood and helped me most, have been like a beacon in a sea of disbelief and health professionals who felt the need to tell me that I was imagining my pain or that my obesity was largely responsible for it. Even those 3, in kindness, enquired about my obesity and recommended that I attempt to deal with that while also treating my pain.

I have done that. I have lost a ridiculous amount of weight, begun exercising and generally improved my mental and physical health over the past 15 months. So the fact that I am now a day away from an appointment I need but didn't want to make is infuriating.  The anger is real. I am angry that I have done all I can do. Physically,  mentally and with medication prescribed over time.

I have done the work. I am studying, exercising,  working and living like a "normal" 38 year old. But I can't continue to lie to myself and ignore the fact that once again,  my TN has changed in intensity or frequency and it hurts. Not just physically,  but emotionally and mentally.  For the longest time, I have had people asking when my next appointment is, when they see or hear that my pain is at an unbearable level. I generally deflect. Why? I don't want to tell them that I haven't been to a Dr for my pain in over 2 years. I don't want to tell them that I am afraid to go because of the "what if" of it all. 

What if there is literally nothing left to do?

What if there is a new medication but it puts me back in the dependent state I was in 4 years ago?

What if there is a progression of damage to my nerve and this is the start of a decline in daily function that I don't recover from.

What if there's no explanation for the new symptoms and no answers to process? 

What if my work to be respected in my job is now affected by those who would easily take this as an opportunity to point out why I don't deserve to be where I have worked so freaking hard to be?

You see, when you live with pain on a daily basis. The moment when it changes or increases is a scary thing. It is all those questions I listed above that makes the call to your compassionate Dr, the even more scarier thing to do.

So here I sit. Afraid of the pain becoming a focus in my life again and more afraid that my delayed decision to seek help has put me in a position where that will happen in any case. 

Here's to wishing all the warriors a day where the elephant is kind, or at least doesn't use its tusks to maim.